She Who Will Be Loved
by starrylaa
Summary: What does it mean to be a woman who loves? On the other side of the galaxy, four women cope with feelings they aren't sure how to deal with. J/C, P/T, Kes/Neelix, Sam/Joe. Slightly AU, set towards the end of season 2.
1. This Time and In Between

**She Who Will be Loved**

**Chapter: 1/4**

**Summary: **What is being faced with feelings that are too complicated to deal with? What is the ability to solve them? What is being isolated and surrounded at the same time? What is being woman? On the other side of the galaxy, four women deal with unbidden feelings. J/C, P/T, Kes/Neelix, Sam/Joe. Slightly AU, set towards the end of season 2.

**Disclaimer: **Paramount owns Voyager.

**Author's note**: This fic is like nothing I've ever done before, and morphed completely from what I intended it to be. Originally, I was going to have some of the crew, in particular Tom and Chakotay possessed by some sort of demon-alien entity, and have them manifest B'Elanna and Janeway's worst fears (in the vein of the Supernatural episode "Skins") making them having to resolve the issue and give them the impetus to act upon their feelings. But somehow this story evolved instead. It looks at different feelings we can feel so strongly but have no idea what to do with them. Above all, it's a story about being a woman and how hard that can be, which I'm sure most of you can relate to. I hope you enjoy this, and reviews would be greatly appreciated. And in this chapter I hope you have fun guessing who is who.

**Chapter One- This Time and In between**

_She who feels desire…_

His deep eyes always linger on hers a moment longer than they should.

That mere glance elicits something from her she knows she shouldn't feel.

His presence sends her into hyper-awareness, and the turmoil he throws her in is breaking her apart.

He's addictive, like some drug she can't get enough of.

He's unwelcome.

But she can't seem to keep away.

***

_She who does not know love…_

Someone like her was never meant to be loved by someone like him.

He's so strong and so sure, and simultaneously brings out the best and worst in her. And he doesn't seem to mind.

She can't describe the way he makes her feel, and doesn't know if she wants to. Of all the women he could have chosen, he chose her, and she's not sure if she trusts why.

She doesn't know if she wants this.

Women like her do not know love.

They only know how to exist.

***

_She who knows not how to feel…_

The very moment he stepped into her life she felt a connection to him. He talked a mile a minute and she drank in every word, marvelling at his ability to simply shine.

His mere presence is a comfort to her lonely soul, and he knows the right words to make her feel a little less lost in this galaxy.

How she wishes she could cherish him and let him know how much she appreciates all he's putting on the line for her.

But with time against her, somehow that would be unfair.

***

_She who knows captivation…_

She's never met anyone with eyes like him. Entirely captivating and with depth that she's sure holds a hidden universe in.

Feelings for him are starting to unfurl within her. And she's not entirely sure they're unbidden.

She thinks of the man she left behind and what lies within her.

This is forbidden.

Yet she's drawn to him like matter to a black hole.


	2. The Fear of Falling

**She Who Will Be Loved**

**Chapter 2/4**

**Summary: **What is being faced with feelings that are too complicated to deal with? What is the ability to solve them? What is being isolated and surrounded at the same time? What is being woman? On the other side of the galaxy, four women deal with unbidden feelings. J/C, P/T, Kes/Neelix, Sam/Joe. Slightly AU, set towards the end of season 2.

**Disclaimer: **Paramount owns Voyager.

**Rating: **T for references to adult situations.

*******

**Chapter Two- The Fear of Falling**

_She who feels desire knows what it's like to play with fire_

How did they get to this point?

They're in the Jeffries tubes, but what they're doing is hardly conducive to working.

He has her trapped against the floor and he's kissing her with such unreserved passion that she feels like she might fall apart.

They really had to stop meeting like this.

The first time was an accident.

They'd been arguing in the shuttle bay over the condition of one of the shuttles. He'd made her so mad that she was ready to rip him a new head. But the angrier she got, the darker his blue eyes turned, and before she knew it he'd pushed her against the very shuttle they were arguing about. But not in malice. The very opposite. His lips against hers was unexpected, but not entirely unwelcome. The mere touch of him was enough to ignite a fire in her blood with an intensity like none that she'd ever felt before. And she refused to let him go.

He's her drug of choice. She knows she should look for a cure because in the end drugs like this can only be destructive.

And he is no exception. She knows his type. She's convinced that he's the good-time sort. She suspects that it is only a matter of time before he tires of her, and she should get away before he takes a piece of her that can't be fixed. She's afraid it's too late.

He makes her blood sing, but she has no idea what she does to his.

As she kisses him back, revelling in the feel of him above her, she knows she's about to find out soon.

***

_She who does not know love, does not know life_

Women like her do not know love.

With her time span, how can such a thing be possible?

Love is for the truly exceptional. And she doesn't count herself as one of those.

Yet he loves her. He cherishes her. In his eyes, she is infallible and she's scared she doesn't quite meet his expectations.

She's so new at this. So young. How is she supposed to feel something so intense, that for many other species in takes years to fine tune?

Around him she wants to be a better person. He lets her be whoever she wants. Every range of emotion he teaches her how to feel.

Except yet not one.

He's so patient and so loving.

She thinks she loves him as much as she can.

Maybe she's ready to take the next step with him. To show him just how much she can love him.

But how can she be sure she's ready?

_***_

_She who knows not how to feel, struggles to maintain what is real_

It took being stranded in the delta quadrant for their paths to finally cross, despite having worked on ships at the same time. Funny how here such a big ship suddenly feels so small.

She considers him her best friend. The man who knows the right words to brighten any of her moods, who talks so much that all of his friends tease that he's in constant warp, but all find it a trait completely endearing. He draws people in with his engaging personality and he's refused to let her stand on the side lines.

When news got out that she was pregnant and with her husband far beyond a comforting distance, he was the one to support her, drawing her out of her isolation and her fear. He was the one with her at every vital step of her pregnancy, and as her due date looms closer, she knows he'll be there for that final, scarier step too. He sees in her a bit of his wife he left behind, and he knows the struggle of a pregnancy even with a loving partner there for support. She sees in him the part of her husband that should be here with her, and she's starting to feel something for him that she shouldn't.

She's falling into dangerous territory that she's not sure how to get out of.

She loves her husband.

But she feels like she's starting to appreciate another.

She doesn't know how to solve this without breaking their world apart in the process.

***

_She who knows relentless captivation must find herself in an awkward situation_

She's the by-the-book type who religiously plays by the rules.

He's the rebel with a very good cause, whose soft voice is titillating and incredibly soothing. His eyes speak a thousand words and more, and in them she finds herself at home.

He's everything she expected him not to be and she finds that intriguing. He's like a scientific phenomenon that she's dying to solve, but she knows she can't.

She has a man back home whom she loves. Plans and desires of a spring wedding with this man still ring in the back of her mind, but not in her heart.

They've been stranded here for over two years, but less than that to call this place home.

And he's certainly made that process easier.

She knows the way he feels about her. Every night she remembers his strong hands on her shoulders, and revels in how glorious that felt. In her dreams their almost-kiss turns into so much more, and when she wakes up in the morning, she wakes up torn.

He knows what lies within her. Her rules and her values. He knows better than anyone that being with her would compromise everything she's ever believed in.

Yet can't understand why he never gives up hope.

As each day passes, the more her turmoil grows.

When the evening comes for their weekly meal, he strides in with a smile as wide as the Milky Way that quickly falls apart when he meets her troubled eyes.

"Kathryn, what's wrong?"

She shakes her head, not wanting to give an answer.

Instead he asks a different question. "Are you coming to dinner?"

"I can't."

And she knows he can tell that her "I can't" is more than a refusal for dinner. It's a refusal of so much more. She sees the desolation in his eyes, and giving no more than a nod, he leaves.

Captains aren't meant to cry.

But she does.

She cries for what is and what will never be.

For everything she has to sacrifice.

But above all, she cries for him.

For the first time in her life, she's found something so incredibly fascinating that she has to let go of.

For this there's no easy answer. No ready solution. And it hurts so much.


	3. This Woman's Work, This Woman's World

**She Who Will Be Loved**

**Chapter 3/4**

**Summary: **What is being faced with feelings that are too complicated to deal with? What is the ability to solve them? What is being isolated and surrounded at the same time? What is being woman? On the other side of the galaxy, four women deal with unbidden feelings. J/C, P/T, Kes/Neelix, Sam/Joe. Slightly AU, set towards the end of season 2.

**Disclaimer: **Paramount owns Voyager. The title is from the song by Kate Bush/Maxwell

**Chapter Three- This Woman's Work, This Woman's World**

Sam entered the sickbay for her weekly check up, and was greeted by Kes.

Taking her place on the biobed, Kes stood beside her and ran her tricorder over her.

"Your baby is doing well, Sam. It shouldn't be more than two weeks before she's due."

Sam smiled, but on the inside her heart was breaking. The baby growing inside her was a physical reminder of her love for her husband, but she didn't know how she felt about her. She wasn't sure if she was ready for this, or if she was capable of loving her. Not when she felt so confused.

Kes didn't have to be a telepath to figure out there was something wrong with her.

She puts down the tricorder. "Sam, is there anything wrong?"

Sam looked into the trusting eyes of the young woman before her. She was the closest thing she had to a female friend, and Kes was a good confidante.

She took a deep breath. "Joe has been a great comfort during my pregnancy."

Kes nodded, although she seemed a little confused. "You're right. It's very kind of Joe to accompany you to your scans when he can."

Sam's eyes started to fill. "I think I'm started to feel something for him I shouldn't." The look in her eyes was of raw vulnerability.

Kes wasn't surprised by this news. With how close Joe and Sam were, how would they not develop feelings for one another?

Kes took a moment to think of the right words to ease Sam's heart. She knew of the delicate situation she was in, and knew how much Sam would go to ensure she didn't cause pain to those she loved, no matter how far away they were.

"Sam, your feelings for Joe are completely understandable. With both of you having loved ones so far away, you've found a much needed solace within each other. And no one could blame you for developing feelings for him."

"But what do I do about it?"

"For now you should wait. You're pregnant, and I think you're feeling vulnerable right now. Give yourself a bit of time. And then talk to him. Be honest. If the two of you believe you can find a way of being friends without being anything more, I'm sure you'll find a way. If you can't, your heart will guide you, even if it means being with him or having to exist without him. You're the only one who knows what is right for you."

And as if coming to realisation Kes repeats to herself quietly, "You're the only one who knows what is right for you."

***

"Lieutenant Torres, I'd like you to stay behind please."

The captain's voice broke her out of her reverie.

Startled, she looked around the ready room to find the rest of the senior members departing from the meeting, and she blushed when she realised that she hadn't been paying attention.

The older woman looked into the troubled eyes of the younger one before her.

"B'Elanna, I noticed you weren't paying attention to a word I was saying."

B'Elanna begun to stutter. "I-I-er-…"

Kathryn interrupted her with a wave of her hand.

"Your co-workers have noticed lately that your attention down in Engineering has been somewhat lacking."

B'Elanna was mortified. Had her distracted mind really been that noticeable?

"I've just been…distracted lately. Nothing that I can't handle."

The captain's gaze seemed to intensify.

"Something that you want to discuss, B'Elanna?"

Mentally B'Elanna laughed. She imagined trying to tell the captain that she was having an unsettling affair with her helmsman. Somehow she was sure that would make her eyes bulge more than a little.

The captain wasn't exactly a friend. They were both too professional to be able to be friends with one another. But she did regard her as a motherly type, and she was surprised at how strong her need to confide in her was.

B'Elanna always guarded every secret close to her heart. Maybe this was an exception.

"What would you do if you found yourself in a situation you couldn't control? What would you do if your heart was controlling your mind beyond logic and sense? And you knew what you were doing was wrong? How do you reach a conclusion that allows both your heart and mind to be happy?" Her words didn't feel like her own. She was saying things she didn't even realise she felt, and yet having them out in the open was a great relief.

She was startled to see the pain she felt reflecting in the captain's own eyes. And she knew the pain wasn't on her own behalf. It was the captain's own.

It was only then that she noticed Kathryn's own restlessness and the shadows under her eyes that had nothing to do with the stress of being captain. Something more personal perhaps?

It took a while for the captain to answer, and she chose not to probe B'Elanna on her personal problem. "There's no easy answer, B'Elanna."

The lieutenant nodded.

"When your heart and mind are battling against each other, you have to choose one and hope that what it is ruling is right."

"But what if you make the wrong decision?"

"But what if you don't?"

The captain and lieutenant shared an unusual moment of empathy.

"If only this was as simple as choosing the right path over the wrong," B'Elanna whispered.

"If only," Kathryn whispers.

But life, and certainly love never is.


	4. Surprises and Sacrifices

**She Who Will Be Loved**

**Chapter 4/4**

**Summary: **What is being faced with feelings that are too complicated to deal with? What is the ability to solve them? What is being isolated and surrounded at the same time? What is being woman? On the other side of the galaxy, four women deal with unbidden feelings. J/C, P/T, Kes/Neelix, Sam/Joe. Slightly AU, set towards the end of season 2.

**Disclaimer: **Paramount owns Voyager.

**Rating: **T for references to adult situations.

**Author's note: **Thanks for taking the time to read this. This piece really wrote itself, and I enjoyed writing it. Reviews greatly appreciated.

**Chapter Four-** **Surprises and Sacrifices**

_She who feels desire knows what it's like to play with fire. And she who does, knows she's taking the risk that she might get burnt. _

She watches him from her station on the Bridge. He's intently navigating them through space, and today not even a warp core collapse will break his concentration.

She loves it when he concentrates like this. Loves the way he runs his hand through his hair without realising it, messing it up in the process. She loves the way his uniform clings to him, showing promise of what lies beneath. She loves looking at him from this angle.

And it scares her because she's not meant to love him at all.

The captain catches her gaze and in that instant she knows she's figured out her secret. Instead of showing disapproval, she offers her a warm but concerned smile. B'Elanna gives one back.

She's tired of having to hide this from everyone.

Stolen kisses between duty that she couldn't stop even if she wanted to and passionate rendezvous in her quarters when he comes to her at night.

She takes one final look at him and leaves the Bridge, ready to start the end of her shift.

It doesn't take him long to find her.

She's in the holodeck, running a programme where she's sitting on top of a mountain, and he has no trouble joining her.

She's surprised to see him here. They never meet here. They never do anything that might be misconstrued as a date.

"What are you doing here?" she asks him.

"I came to find you," he answers simply, sitting down beside her.

She nods.

"You know, I could feel your eyes on me on the Bridge today," he teases her.

She glares at him. She's not in the mood for this.

He changes tactic. "You seem distracted," he notes.

She doesn't say anything. Instead she stares at what's before her. A vast quantity of space. With a sky so high and a ground so low that the end of either is not visible to her. If she chose to jump, would she fly or would she fall? Maybe the man beside her had an answer.

"We have to quit this," she says finally.

He looks confused. "Quit the programme?"

She shakes her head. "Us."

"Why?"

She stares into his eyes, and can see by his look that he's determined to fight her on this.

"Because I'm fed up of all this sneaking around. Of you coming to me when _you _want me."

"Are accusing me of using you?" he demands, eyes flashing with anger.

"That's how I feel," she answers honestly.

"Funny, you never once complained before."

"Well, it's not like we ever talk to each other." Which was true. Their bodies took over and did the talking for them, leaving no room for conversation.

He seemed to understand that. "Well, we're talking now."

For a moment she doesn't say anything. "There's only a matter of time before you lose interest in me."

His eyes probe hers, as if looking for something there.

"I don't think so," the resolute tone of his voice melts something within her. He takes her hand and places it over his heart. She's surprised to find it beating a mile a minute. "Do you know what you do to me?" he asks softly.

She shakes her head.

"You drive me crazy with need. You have me thinking about you all the time that I can't concentrate. And you know what?" he brings his lips close to her ear. "I enjoy it. I enjoy you and no, I sure as hell am not going to quit you."

She closes her eyes at the sensation of his voice against her ear. "Maybe I need more than that."

He pulls her into his lap. "Maybe I do too."

***

_She who does not know love, does not know life. But there's always time to learn._

Every evening without fail, he comes and bids her goodnight. And she always waits in anticipation for his good night kiss.

Except tonight she's extremely nervous.

She hears the chime of her door, and walks over to it. He greets her with his usual smile and sunny disposition.

"Good night Kes," he says softly, leaning in to kiss her.

She kisses him back, and is surprised that he can't hear her heart trying to escape from her chest.

When he pulls back, he stares into her eyes, and notices something there that wasn't there before.

She's trying to convey to him an emotion that she can't quite articulate. _I'm ready, _her eyes say, and from the comprehension shining back in his, he understands.

Her time may be vastly numbered, but she doesn't want to miss out on one of life's greatest experiences. Fear pounds through her, but her love for him is stronger.

With determination, she takes him by the hands and leads him into her quarters.

***

_She who knows not how to feel, struggles to maintain what is real. And she who tries, but says goodbye, needs to find the time to heal. _

She stares at the mobile dangling above her crib. It's a mobile containing a model of Voyager and its shuttles, and it's beautiful. Joe made it. He has such a wonderful knack for building things, although that didn't surprise her as he is an engineer.

She switches on the mobile and watches it spins around and emit different colours of light around the room. She watches, entranced.

This is what Joe is to her. The many colours of light that could otherwise have been shadowed in dark.

Why do matters of the heart have to be so complicated? She wonders. Why is there never any easy answer?

She doesn't know how long she can go feeling this awkward and this lost. She needs to tell him- to tell him what? She's not even sure.

But she doesn't have to. He gets there first.

He enters her quarters and immediately she can sense his turmoil, just as easily as he can probably sense hers.

Joe went to sit down on the couch and she joins him.

He wrings his hands together. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to let it out. I think I'm starting to feel something for you that's more than friendship."

"I'm think I'm starting to feel the same," she whispers.

Their gazes lock.

"I love my wife," he clarifies.

"And I love my husband."

"I would never want to do anything to hurt her. But I don't want to hurt you either."

"I feel the same."

"So what do we do?" he asks softly.

"Maybe we need to spend some time apart, just so we can try and regain ourselves."

"But your baby is due soon. You need me around."

"Having you around would be a blessing. But maybe I need to do this on my own."

His eyes grow sad. "You shouldn't have to."

"I know. But there are always plenty of people about if I need help."

"You'll let me help out occasionally, won't you?"

She nods, although she's not sure if she could. Just one glance at him sends her heart into a frenzy. And she knows that's never going to change. So long as there's hope that they will get home, being apart was surely better than the alternative.

"You'll be the one I go to when I need someone to baby-sit a baby who won't stop crying." It's a feeble attempt at a joke, but he smiles anyway.

He stands up to leave, and she stands up with him.

"I guess this is goodbye," he says gently. _For now? _She hears him wonder.

"I guess so," she echoes.

They look at each other, a range of emotions dancing in their eyes. Of what could be. Of what should be. And what is.

Is she making the right decision in letting him go? Is there another way she can keep him, without over-stepping the line?

Seeing the turmoil in her eyes, he draws her into a hug. It's not a hug between potential lovers. The bump between them reminds them of that. It's a hug between two best friends who have to let go of an incredible friendship, and don't want to.

He steps away from her.

"You know I'll be here if you need me."

"Always."

And with that she watches him leave from her quarters and from her life.

***

_She who knows relentless captivation must find herself in an awkward situation. And when confrontation passes, and she's given up those chances, she will sit there in the dark and always be alone. _

They sit together in the ready room, listening to Pachelbel's Canon in D Major, and it matches the sombre melody of her heart.

She knows he doesn't really like classical music. But she knows that when he listens to it with her, that he loves it. And how can she fault someone like that?

"You're not going to change your mind over this, are you?"

"No, I don't think so."

"I think you're making a mistake."

"I know I'm making a mistake."

"Then why are you making it?"

"Because it's not my choice to make. Maybe if we'd met in a different time…when we were younger perhaps, or if we were in a different situation, back home maybe-,"

"Then we would have hated each other," Chakotay cuts in.

She can't help but laugh bitterly. "I could never hate you, Chakotay. I never did."

"And I never hated you. When I first saw you, I thought you were the most magnificent woman I'd ever met. I'm glad I had the chance to find out I was right."

They fall into a pensive silence.

"Do you ever regret coming back from New Earth?" he finally asks.

"Everyday," she whispers. She thinks back to how attentive he was to her and how easy it was for them to slip into the role of friends from officers. Surely it wouldn't have taken long for them to be so much more? But she'll never know now.

"The choice of us will always be there, you know that, don't you?"

"Yes. But you also know I won't change my mind."

"You're a woman of principles, I know. And that's something I love about you."

Something about the way he says it causes the tears she never wanted him to see, well up in her eyes.

"So long as I'm captain of this ship, I will always be alone." As long as there's still hope of getting home, this is the decision she knows she'll always keep.

He wipes away the tears running down her face. "Then I will always be alone with you." He places a kiss on her hand, and she's mesmerised by the enchanting look in his eyes.

"Another time, another place-," she begins.

"And you would be mine," he finishes for her.

Her hand closes over his and she can't stop the tears.

**The end **


End file.
